Random 01

words.

feelings.

emotions.

memories.

expressions.

experiences.

meaningless till you have an audience.

Call it sacrifice or...

Often in a relationship. Any relationship for that matter. We use the word sacrifice a lot. We often claim that we are not expecting any form of returns for the sacrifices made but how far true is that?

The moment we use the word sacrifice, evidently part of us are expecting at least gratitude. If the sacrifices made are not mutual or equal, in a long run, like it or not, it will cause both the giver and the receiver to bear a certain invisible burden called stress. Straining the relationship. If not dealt with, the relationship will shatter in pieces under the enormous built up of stress.

I guess what needs to be realized is that all actions that are done for the sake of the other party, we need to do it with pride. For example, I'm proud to have watched a chic flick with you even though I don't like it. I'm proud to chauffeur you around from one end of the world to the other just because I have the privilege to do so and so on and so forth.

Doesn't quite make sense perhaps. Think about it. A couple tell each other that they love one another. So what else in the world would be more important but to run simple errands for one another? The act itself is simple but the underlying happiness and the acknowledging of each party in one's life is not. You don't run around doing errands together with just anyone.

Friends that tags along are often close friends, family members that tags along are often siblings whom you have a stronger bond with etc...

There should not be any hidden agendas when we do something for people we truly love, people who truly matters.

Chuck

“To me, it’s not rocket science. Go about your day putting your faith in God and standing on truth. It’s pretty easy: are you a jerk or not? Are you doing things to benefit you, or others? Are you available to be part of the solution and not the problem? Walk in love and that opens some doors of dialogue. How about just starting to talk and see where it goes? I don’t think there’s any clock on it—your life is God’s, so let Him do as He wills with it.” ~ Zac Levi

Taken from Zac Levi's interview by RelevantMag. Inspiring. A practical take on what faith is. Simple yet hard to really follow through since most of the time we do a lot of things in the spur of a moment without putting much thought about it.

Why think when you can wing it some might say.

Sleepless in...

I need to start sleeping properly again.

A friend reminded me that I have actually less than 6 hours of sleep everyday.

If I were doing something productive then it would be called hardworking, go-getter, focused on career.

But I'm not.

So the least I can do is to start taking care of my own body.

Even the blind massues in Hotel Mexico told me that I'm lacking of real sleep!

I always wonder, am I among friends or am I among a bunch of hyennas. Who can be trusted and who can't? How would anyone determine that? Personal experience? What if things went out of hand while you are testing the waters of how far to trust some one?

Well, can't know for sure and no point giving it too much thought. We will never really know what the other party is thinking. It is up to us to be wise.

I'm in the mood again to randomly type out my thoughts. The unprocessed ones... or at least thoughts with minimum filter. Can't be sharing too much personal info, I keep them for really close friends, it's exclusive. I think it is only fair since trust needed to be gained and if every Tom, Dick and Harry would know about whats going on my mind, it is just so wrong.

Am still burning my time away in the current company. O'opportunity, whereth art thou!

5 months 3 weeks is not a long time

lalalalalalala...

Friday is not a shyday.

like matt says it, HARUMPH!

okay, have several stuff going on my head just thought of pen-typing them down.

Signs and Signals, sometimes you will find them when you stop searching. It'll be just right infront of you.

True love and Self, both variables are undefinable. too much potentials, scale too large. uncertainties are just too great. sometimes no point thinking into things too much. appreciate and enjoy it while it lasts. both true love and self are hard to come by.

Have not read much book in my entire life. No fancy words nor owning writings to jot down the instinctive insights that i have brewed inside of me through life's experience. life have not been fair to me thus far but nontheless God is still good. i'm not lacking at least.

ok thats about it.

Back to Segiempat Satu

Suck ar.

In the end turn down the other job. Pay is just too low and the risk involved are just too great. If I am an orphan and have nothing to care about in this world then I would go in head on already.

Yet I am not. So have to consider for my family as well. Not that I don't like taking risks, trust me, I took a biggest risk in my life last year and end up still paying for it.

I'll just  have to have a stronger resolve in getting the certification myself and have a fulfilling 2010. Improving myself in anyway possible.

2009 was alright. Spending first 9 months caring, loving and sacrifising and being passionate. I actually neglected a lot of other priorities.Yet I know it is worth all that.

That was the only passionate moment I have. Hope I will have more moments like these in the future.

Weird, ask me what I am passionate about in life, for now I'll tell you I'm most passionate when I was going out with my ex. You know how when you are a small kid and when you wake up on your birthday and there's a present next to your bed (I never experienced that before by the way), that was how I felt every single day when I was with my ex. Cool eh

Other than that, I'm pretty laid back and accomodating.

I like being simple. But I also like money. So I somehow have to earn lotsa money by being simple.

Who says simplicity is easy?

It is decided.

Have been applying for jobs for the pass few months.

Went for 3 interviews.

Both 3 was an eye opener. And well, had my fair share of being slapped on the face by reality for being ill equipped with the necessary skills to sell myself.

A manager for one of these company called me this afternoon and offered me a job with a pay cut.

A friend told me that I should consider where my passion lies and then only pursue towards the career path because it will be back to square one if I don't fully enjoy what I am doing.

The thing is, I don't really have passion. At least not anymore. The only time I was really passionate and was willing to give my entire life into working things out is when I was still together with my previous girlfriend.

Other than that, I've never really have anything that I truly enjoyed doing. I don't mind doing anything or everything but I just don't feel the excitement. Maybe because of that, I'm such a bore.

Bumi company + pay cut + unknown benefits + unknown passion = hell no.

But in the end I decided to dive head in and give it a good try. Gosh, I seriously have no idea how to pay for my expenses with this pay cut.

I've always been not too bright. And a tad bit too straight forward. One day my downfall might be caused by that.

I think I need to learn how to have fun.

A Not So Dull 2009

Year end is closing in.

2010 dropping by like 2009 was just yesterday.

The sweet sour bitter of 2009 will remain as valuable experiences and memories.

Merry Christmas to all and just in case I party too hard, have a great new year as well!

Quarter of a decade and I think this time, I really need a sound resolution for the year 2010.

Come on, how long can a dude chill when his career is not even built?

Discipline. Need tons of them. Lots of things need to be done.

I will take time to plan out 2010. Won't be having a super uber packed 2010 but at least there are things that I want to achieve by the time it ends.

Why waste life when you can enjoy it to the fullest with a little bit of goals and objectives in the end?

Make it a fruitful year. Every single bit. Realize the reality of when time flies, boy do these suckers fly.

Back to the drawing board for me.

God! Guidance, Wisdom, Grace, Blessings and Mercy from you puhleeeze!

"Lifeeeeeee... oooooooh.... life...."

One Way Ticket To The Blue

It happened 3 days ago.

On a bright Saturday morning.

The dreaded phone call finally arrive.

After 10 minutes worth of conversation, a relationship that lasted 9 months is officially ended by the other party.

Initial reaction was "What did I do wrong?" and "Are there ways that we can work this out?" but deep down inside, I know there is not much left to be done or said.

It was nobody's fault, just that someone decided to let circumstances get the better of them and I am no longer the priority. I was not the priority to begin with.

Pain grips my heart. At this point, I can only suppress my emotions by reasoning and concluded I am just not good enough. No looks, no career, no money, no nothing. I don't even have the character to boot, don't even mention intelligence.

I was too careless to think that I've found my match and place all hope, emotions, energy and love into the relationship. Brought the love boat to overgear and before I know it, crash, boom, bang...

Yet there are no resentment towards her. I loved her and I still do. And am trying constantly to uphold my composure especially when I'm with her, my now new found friend. Caring for her as usual.

Only thing I can ask of her is to have patience and just bear with me as I slowly recover from this disaster. I don't mind the extra effort of taking her under my wings, I don't have to but my heart says it is only right to do so.

However, she assumed yet again. And decided on behalf of me that I don't want to talk to her face to face and that I don't have any obligation at all to continue taking care of her. In fact, she even apologize for breaking up.

Well, I don't know if you are reading this. If you do then let me tell you this again, you don't have to apologize for breaking up. You are free to choose the path you want to take. Don't feel sorry for me because I will get over this according to my own time. Just do me a favor and be a friend, and try to understand that for the time being I'm going to be blue for awhile because you gave me a one way ticket to heartbreak hotel. Corny, I know.

I'll survive.

Somehow.

Fi Fly Fo Fum. Dum Dee Di Dumb.

We are living in a world that everybody thinks they know about life because they have met with some down tides before.

Naturally, their every sentence will ring with philosophical terms along with poetic arrangements to it.

Bunch of noob ass that doesn't know anything about anything. I hate.

Especially those who impose their views on you.

Just because you have had bad experiences in life doesn't mean you have the right to pollute the younger generations with your skewed and skeptic mindset.

You can always advice and give a pointer or two, but to misguide and then corrupt the very essence of purity of a young person's growing perspective is just overboard.

Mistake have no master, it belongs to everyone.

That is correct, while you are thinking that you are perfect, you are capable to screw up the next second. For all you know, you probably are screwing up right now!

Or you are so screwed up and realize that you are, that is why you are trying to screw everything up for everybody around you?

Fi Fly Fo Fum. Dum Dee Di Dumb.

Or I am but just another noob ass who thinks I know it all.

Every effing pun intended.

Help. Gastric. Pain. Ouch.

*ouch*

Updates on March!

My birthday was a peaceful one. Spent lunch with my lovely girlfriend and at night had a simple meal with mom and dad and a simple cake cutting ritual.

Cake was awesome, American Chocolate. Delicious!

Birthday aside, I have started going back to CG lately and am enjoying myself in the presents of God loving and fearing people. Something that I have neglected for quite a while now, wonder why I went MIA in the first place. Work, tiredness… etc, I think none of the excuses sounds right to me now.

Work have been getting slow lately. Worries me since I’m still under probation and if were to change job, it would be rather tough unless if I deviates from my current field. No point thinking about it now though, a step at a time.

I’m getting fatter by the day! I was alarmed with I notice my belly is developing exceptionally well; hence it triggered me to pay the gym a visit. Will start to jog or hitting the gym frequently from now on, no way in hell that I want to have the same size belly as my dad! NEVER!

Had a good chat with Metal recently about life and about almost everything under the sun. To conclude our conversation, I think all men are the same despite intelligence or experience. Only men will understand men. Even if it meant risking myself sounding like a gay but it is very true. We can understand each other’s worries without having to say much.

Oh well, am sick and hungry now. Shivering in the office even after I put on my jacket. Can’t wait till lunch time. Roar!

Maths!

*click to enlarge*

And I thought I was the only one with bad instincts while doing math. I guess the tiger is not very far off from me.

=.="

In the mood to write

It is told that never mingle around people who are unequally yolk too much because some how or rather, these people will drag you down to their level in due time. The process is so gradual that even after it happens, you’ll only be realizing it after your knees went too deep.

Many of you might be having a judgmental opinion on the above paragraph - Arrogant. But I can assure you, it is nothing more but a sincere advice. Surely those who have been through such situation can attest to that. I for one, as non excellent as I am do fully agree with such an advice.

People from different backgrounds often have these presets of view towards one another. Most of the time I find myself guilty for having such negative and unfair views embedded in me, it doesn’t even take me a blink of an eye to open my mouth and start spewing rubbish. Even though some of the time I might be correct, but it is the attitude of it that I despise myself for having. Sometimes I wonder if it is that important to be correct all the time.

Hate myself the most when the irrationality part of me dies down and when I start to recall back all that happened in the day. Most of the time I would regret for having a more efficient mouth rather than a more efficient brain since all the negativity that comes out does not build nor construct but tears down and destroys.

It is fascinating that 9 out of 10 people that I know have this “disease”, yet it is not entirely incurable. All we need is to be discipline in holding our tongues and have a more positive mindset towards life. That should do the trick. However to some, they are too warped in the space of negativity that they will never come back.

Sad huh?

Not really.

Since the solutions above mainly rely on ones discipline, there is this other element called faith. Faith entrusted to the mighty God Himself. Much practice is required before I can call myself a man with the faith of a mustard seed. With so much of distractions, laziness, compromising and complacency going around, faith and prayer would be the only weapon against all which is not of constructiveness.

Writer’s note:

Wasn’t too sure how to put down into words for the thoughts that have been running in my mind, this is the best that I can do for a little part of it. So till I can record down all that is locked away in my mind “vault”, take care and have a nice evening.

Happy CNY (Belated)

Wow...

It is already approaching the third week in my new job and from my last entry till now much have happened.

Too much to tell too little time but nonetheless, these experiences are priceless. Not all are enjoyable but like I always say:" It is all part of the growing up process."

So far have not done anything BIG for my new job yet. Nope. Wonder if there will be any this year. Market is bad but if this job does not bring any satisfaction at all in terms of experience and knowledge gaining, it is time to resend out my resume again after a year since it is not offering any monetary satisfactory in the first place.

Even though the hiring manager tells me that the job is as exciting as I want it to be, but hey, how "Exciting" things will get with limited budget, limited authority, and as well as limited staff size? I don't even feel nice requesting the company to send me off for a trainings.

Maybe I should just be patient and wait till the end of year to see what springs up.

Happy Chinese New Year by the way! Even though it is already over but its the thought that counts right?

Oh well, back to looking busy in my humble cubicle. It is green in color by the way. Will take some pictures soon. Won't want to look like a lunatic taking pictures when all my colleagues are around busy with their tasks.

Ciaozoo.

Happy New Year!

1st Jan 2009 came and went like a breeze.

Many things had happened from Dec 08 till Jan 09, it is as though circumstances and incidents took over life rather than me being on top of these factors and charting my voyage with careful considerations. However, in the end things seems to be running pretty alright.

Michelle and I have took several leaps in our relationship, many things have taken place without our planning pulling us closer to each other and yet at times it does feel surreal since having a girlfriend at 25 is not something that I have anticipated.

Relationship is not always smooth sailing - I use to know this for a fact but now after experiencing it first hand, it brings a whole lot a different meaning to the statement. Relationship is definitely a handbook that encompasses many of life's lesson.

There is no way one could score all Aces in such a huge subject, yet most of the us would not think twice taking up this course.

In the end of the day, my constant hope is that both Michelle and I will be able to get through this tough lesson and still remain together.

On another note, am counting down to the day I start work in the new company. Am pretty anxious since I've yet to get a drift of how things work in the new environment. One thing is for sure, I'm no longer indecisive about my decision to take up this new job. It is definitely a challenge awaiting me, we shall see who will yield in the end of it all.

Muahaha...

Well, Happy New Year to all! Was too busy with life and love the pass few weeks.

May all of you have a fruitful yet enjoyable year.

God bless...

Word of the Day...

Time to Write

Parsimonious:

1) Extreme care in spending money; reluctance to spend money unnecessarily
2) Excessively sparing or frugal.
3) Stingy

Oh... if any of you are wondering what in the world am I posting this word on my blog, erm it is because:

I just found out that there's actually a word such as this this morning while reading waiterrant's blog. It's been awhile since I've expanded my vocabs list, I do enjoy learning about languages very much, all those intriguing yet ever expanding and sophisticated vocabs, funny grammatical errors, and so forth.

Shall not drift too far off from topic with my over enthusiastic love for languages. It is a shame that my command in all the languages that I know of (Mandarin, B.M and Enlgish) are weak, imagine how fun it would be to be good at either one of them! I could write books, poems, stage play, articles! I could be a journalist, a writer, a reporter.

Aha... ok, time to work. Earth is calling out to me.

Ciaozoo.

Snapped...

Today I snapped at a colleague of mine who was just doing his job.

I snapped not at him but merely at the issues caused by partly my own lack of pro activeness when it comes to tasks beyond my work scope and mainly because of the company management's great ideas and great processes which inflicted much trouble and dis contentedness among the lower ranking staff ie: ME.

What ticked me off the most is not the part where us employees have to clean up the disaster created by a crazy yet innovative yet clearly doomed-to-fail changes imposed by the so called inexperienced upper management team. Don't try don't know, that is the reason or to me excuses that they would simply use when there are a mess. What ticked me off the most is when there are mega issues caused by one of these 'ideas' or 'changes' which we have advised against, they simply just place all the blame on us.

I hate it the most when they say :"You created this mess, I won't bear the consequences, please solve it by yourself". Leaving us hanging in mid air grabbing frantically for a life line.

Hmm... probably the dogs of the upper management are keeping their eyes out on vindictive posts like this one but at this point of time, I could not care less. It is tiresome when your ideas, your points your words doesn't get through. pfftt..

As much as I want to complain about them, in the same time I'm sure my management team should be facing such pressure from people above as well. It is a vicious cycle after all. Dog eat dog world?

Yet today's post is not about that, but about a colleague, a friend who've misunderstood my over 'enthusiastic' tone of voice as to bombard him when he comes to me for something that I remember not receiving or gave away during the month of September. I probably carries an 'defensive' aura when work mode is on.

I guess amidst all the problems that I face, I need to work on my attitude first. It has been awhile since I sat down and ponder upon my daily actions.

"Find the balance, find the balance..."

I think it is a good time now since I was brought to awareness by another good friend regarding issues involving these area. Since people involved does not want to present the issue before me and talk it through.

Zen mode begins... ohhmmm....

They are back!

Time : 10:38A.M.

Feeling rather happy now since Raymond informed me of a great news. Thanks dude!

My second family is coming back! Woot!

Not sure if this good news is announced to everybody or not so I shall refrain myself from sharing further details. But do share my excitement. At this point of time I'm pretty happy... It's been awhile since we kept in touch.

Well, trust a chinaman like me to plan or to keep in touch lar, it'll never happen. I hate that part of myself though. At least now you'll know that if I didn't contact you for a long time, it is not because you've been forgotten, it is just that my ability to strike a conversation or keep in touch are very much limited.

Woohoo... they are coming BACK!!!!

Alright, time to go back to work in the chilly server room located in Plaza VADS. I've actually done my part, waiting for my sensei to impart the second level of kungfu to me before I can proceed further.

Car installment period - 59 months - 1 and decreasing.

Its the weekend...

Its a Saturday, woke up slightly earlier than usual, don't have anything planned yet and too lazy to move about.

The next best thing to do is turn on the wireless, crawl back up to my bed, turn on the laptop and start surfing/downloading/chatting/blogging away.

It is sad that even though I've already been facing the laptop and the internet 5 days a week for work and yet on the weekends I've to come back to them for leisure as well. Sheesh, what have the people of this era turned into? Or is it just me?

Sounds pretty no life. Yet for the time being, I'm enjoying the state of solitude my room can provide. It is like swimming underwater where the world is just quiet and peaceful or up in the mountains where waterfalls are at and you can just sit back and think/ponder/reason about/with topics that you have no time for during the hassle of weekdays.

So much for creativity...

Timing is truly one of the key to any successful "business". I've tell this to a million people a million times and I guess even without me telling, it is rather obvious. Even with us knowing this fact, tons of things are beyond our control. Time like these makes you wonder would it be different if you've been a faithful disciple of God from the first place. But then again, God is not the big bully with the magnifying glass and we are not the ants inside the ant hills.

Ray of hope...

I've not given up. Even if it does not seem wise for me to continue the pursue, I'm going in head strong. As of now, clouds of uncertainty and bleakness surrounds me, yet I'll hold on to that faint ray and inch forward in life and in love.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not doing this blindly and I'm well aware of the consequences and obstacles involved. This will be a tough battle and a long one as well but no matter the results, no matter how this battle ends, it will only make me stronger and in the same time helped the damsel currently in distress to grow and obtain new characteristics which will help her a long way in life in the future.

I've not shared details about how we started and why we ended. Not going to. But if you ask me if all these are worth the effort, I can tell you it is not about the gains or losses. It is a person's life I'm dealing with, further more, a person whom I'm deeply still in love with. No matter the price, I'm willing to pay.

In the past, I've had many regrets in relationships, and all I can do about the past was "what if", "how could if", "it could be good if"..."IF"s... Not this time. No more "IF"s but a solid and firm "I've done all I could at it just didn't work out". I'm sure some of you will be able to recognize how I feel right now.

When all these goes to past, I'm sure I'll have another good topic to blog about. Take it as a life's lesson? I guess I'm not that boring a guy after all.

Heh...

Enjoy the weekends. Oh and Happy Halloween.