This week been really tough for me to go through because a girl that I like or should I say I thought I had feelings for got together with a good friend after telling me that she is not into relationship yet. Makes me feel like a looser at first, but she was pretty nice to me by saying nice things like "You are a good person" yada yada yada... And then having her now boyfriend calling me after that to say "Hey, I hope this won't affect our friendship. We still can hang out together right?" Yup, hang out like a happy family I replied.
All this happened within a day and suddenly, I felt so helpless. I wouldn't really use the word looser because I did not go after the girl or do anything special to get her attention or so forth. I just merely told her a long time ago that I kinda like her. So technically speaking it was as good as nothing. But I doubt it will happen anyway because of obvious issues like compatibility and bla bla bla... Yet it still hurts even though the feelings I had for her wasn't as strong as before.
So thinking that this is bad, I tried to vent to a friend whom I know and so happen to see online the next morning since I was pretty bored in Alrajhi. I guess I was really being a wuss here and looking for comfort at a wrong place hence forth I was being called annoying. That I annoyed the day lights out of this friend. I was puzzled actually at first, but then I found out that actually the friend got annoyed because I was whining too much, being very negative about myself. But couldn't blame my friend because she got pretty unhappy before I was able to finish my ill fated story. Plus I emphasized the fact that she is important to me a lil too much. However, she was honest and told me that there are no hope between us even before I could do anything in years to come. Bam... Double Whammy. At this point of time, if you were me, you would feel like you are the world most unworthy piece of crap because two girls in the span of two days deny you of any chance to go after them long before you have taken any actions. *Ouch*
The friend was so happen to be a girl, yes you are right, what in the world am I doing venting to a girl right? So I am asking for it isn't it? Yes you are right as well. So up to this portion of the post, moral of the story is that listen to your pastors when they say guy go to guy and girl go to girl when it comes to love affairs and advices. Go to your pastors or older leaders and not peers, peers don't really help much other than making things complicated for you because they give you too many choices. Pastors will only tell you yes, no or wait, simple as that.
So the reason I wrote this post sharing my feelings and being really vulnerable here is because I hope who ever that faced or are facing the same issue to not think about it too much and trust God in all that is happening. Yes, even if you have to be a 40 years old virgin. Because in the end of the day when it comes to issue of the heart and freedom of choice, we are really not in control and should not try to dominate the situation or even having the slightest smart aleck idea of trying to play God. You will just end up getting burned. Helplessness is all that we can find if we tried to force our way through.
Woohoo so to end this random but yet personal post, I would like to say a big thank you to those who went mamak and dagei with me. Leoric, koala and metal, thanks for the time even though I doubt you guys know how much does the incident affected me. But I am alright now, I can say that through the few days of pain and reflections that I went through, I understand a lil bit more about myself. No I am not a looser, I am just not ready yet to go into a relationship. Maybe next year? I think I will withheld all feelings from now on and really learn to guard my heart. It will be tough considering the fact that I get close to people I like very fast and I am a very personal person. Sissy eh? haha... well that is me, a sensitive man. I can still be macho if I want to.
Have a great week, I am having holiday from Monday to Wednesday. Yeah babeh...
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